I drove past AE Cross school yesterday and looked at the start-up information on the sign board out front. That led me back to the days when I student taught in that school. That, in turn, caused the familiar knot in my stomach. I read somewhere that the body can't tell the difference between something that is really happening and something that you're imagining clearly.
It's strange that the number one fear of people is supposedly public speaking. I'm much less nervous about public speaking and public singing than I am about teaching a class. Perhaps that's because I feel a heavy responsibility in teaching that isn't there in a one shot performance. I get very nervous just before I stand up to speak or in the measures before I have to sing but once I start I'm fine. It's all familiar and the nervousness evaporates. In teaching it never quite goes away. Perhaps that's because I'm aware that the responsibility never goes away and the responsibility of a teacher is very broad. There are moments that are fun certainly, but I don't think that I've ever fully relaxed in front of a class to the point where I reached a flow state. I wonder what it would have been like if I could have.
Teaching was a very good career. I had a lot of autonomy and I could pretty well duck the politics by going into my room and closing the door if I needed to. On a good day when a students finally sees that they are capable of more than they ever thought, it's the best job in the world and I loved working with young writers. Yes, the 'boy drool' got tedious, and after seeing so many incorrect spellings over the years it's a wonder I can even spell my own name. It enabled me to live in a world of ideas and possibilities. There was always something new to read about how the brain worked and there were always opportunities to try new things.
Despite these things teaching was never a comfortable career for me. Perhaps if it had been it would have become even more routine than it eventually did, or perhaps, I might have really been able to fly. I don't regret the time I spent teaching. I like kids and have many good memories of conversations that meant a lot to me and, I think, to the students. It's in my nature to wonder and at this time of transition in my life there is a lot to wonder about. I certainly have no desire to go back! I gave it a good shot and now I can settle into a rhythm that is more natural to me.
At Rona yesterday I met a former colleague who has been retired for two years. I was in search of casters for my scroll saw base. She told me what I've hear from so many others, "You'll love it. I've never been so busy in my life." I said I was looking forward to it. I won't take time to read the paper (we don't get one) or do the crossword (I've never liked them) but I find myself getting up, turning on the computer, reading my email and then looking up whatever interesting thing comes to mind. I suspect that my second cup of tea in the morning will be spent at the keyboard. Who knows. Today I found a new Canadian running site and I'll check out the woodworking blogs.
When tea and searched are done, I'm off to buy MDF for tool bases. I need to build a caster base for the scroll saw and I want to put casters on one of the metal cabinets that I inherited and that have been storage in my classroom for the last two years. One of them is going to become my rolling tool box. I have such a sense of freedom to research a project, plan it out and then make it happen. I suppose in teaching I did that too but the results were often invisible. I love to be able to see and touch the projects that are now a major part of my life.
Sawdust awaits.
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